A few words on bridal makeup

I don't wear makeup - I usually just attempt to hide the giant black circles under my eyes and that's about it. I also don't like anyone touching my face (my middle name is Neurotica) and we are broke, so it seemed like the best idea to attempt to do my "bridal" makeup myself.

I needed to know how though, so I booked in with a large cosmetics brand at DJ's for a consultation. They called it a "lesson" when they saw me. Whatever. I may have been covered in overlocker lint and I didn't brush my hair. But who cares. I told the lady I don't like wearing foundation on my face and pretty much nothing else on my face either, and that I just wanted a few products to look fresh and nice on the day. She nodded and said she would make me look very "bridal". I think the warning lights started to flash then. She proceeded to cover my face with what is called primer, tinted moisturizer, then foundation, then concealer, then concealer powder, then over eye primer, bronzer, powder, and shimmer stick (in this order). Then she applied 500 different shades of horrible on my eyes, and finished it off with a touch off "blue raspberry" on my lips. I looked like a totally different person. I looked like the cake for a drag queen themed birthday party. And also my eyes were watering.

I fled the counter, stumbled blindly into Myer and held on to another counter's products for support, where a lovely young lady asked me if I was alright and I said "No! Look at my face!". The lovely lady then took 10 kilos of cotton wool and patiently rescued my face from the masses of mud that had been applied to it. And then she did exactly what I asked for: she put almost nothing on my face, just a bit of product here and there, so I looked like myself, just a bit nicer. Voila. And it turned out she is a makeup artist who works at the Laura Mercier counter during the week. Her name is Merryn. I don't know anything about makeup but she was brilliant so I thought I'd recommend her to any other upset OompaLoompa brides.